Lonely

Today, loneliness just hit me like a bullet, piercing through my heart.

I'm the type to love hard. And for all of those in my life, I love you fiercer than you'd ever know.

But sometimes...I just want a man, you know? Someone physically here to share my heart, mind (and it's deep!), and soul with. Because I love hard. And I put every effort into my relationships that count.

Which made me think about my relationships, and how most of them I felt like I loved more, that I loved harder. And I thought about things I could have done to make them love me more, make them want to stay, make them want to make it work as much as I did. Because none of my relationships were bad. I just wasn't good enough. Or something.

That's what I was thinking.

When I get to thinking like this, I have to do some serious positive verbal combat, even if I don't believe it that second. So I took some deep breaths, recited a few things, remembered who I was, and posted this on Facebook:

Sometimes I look back, and think "Why wasnt I enough? What did I do wrong?" but then i gotta shake it off and remember that He is enough for me....

Now, I know that He is enough for me. But at that moment, I didn't totally believe it. (Isn't it crazy how we just deny deny deny the truth sometimes?)

But then my wonderful, beautiful, fantastic friend Machang commented:

goood. And I can answer that question EASY. You weren't enough cause you were TOO MUCH for someone like that to handle. God's gonna send someone that can. Of course it's not as Good as the Real Deal..but God says.."It'll do." lol =]

That's when I realized, I already had the best Man ever and now the roles were reversed. I was the one not loving enough, as Christ loved me unconditionally, without ceasing, forever still. He loves hard. He does whatever He can to work it out. He forgives always. He puts more effort into our relationship than I do.

I stated bawling...just ugly. How can I sit here feeling so sorry for myself, wanting someone to take me in their arms and say that I am all they ever wanted, straight up ignoring Him holding out His arms to me? John 15:16 "You didn’t choose me. I chose you."

God knows I'm a lot right now, and He knows that the only One who can handle this right now is Him because I'm just TOO MUCH. And as soon as He finds somebody who reflects Him enough to handle and take care of this, He will hand me over. Because I deserve the Real Thing, and I got it. But the reflection of the Real Thing is just icing on the cake!

~Dove Sister DeAnna~